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Thursday, September 25, 2014

In Translation

A couple of items in the news lately need a little translation, and as a public service, I'm here to help.  Hey, I'm a giver.  What did you expect?

1.  America's largest soft drink manufacturers say they will help cut consumption of sugary and fattening drinks, by among other things, reducing container sizes.

TRANSLATION:  We'll give you smaller cans and bottles, but we won't cut the price.  In fact, we'll probably charge you more.  We'll get away with it by pretending to be concerned about your health.

2.  Comedian (word used loosely) Kathy Griffin lashed out at the major television networks because late night talk shows are still a man's world.

TRANSLATION:  I'm not funny or talented enough to be considered by the major networks, so I'll hide behind the gender card.  If I'm lucky, the best I can do is be heir to the Joan Rivers throne, and say excessively nasty things about people more talented than I.

3.  Alaska TV reporter Charlo Greene quit on the air the other night, and dropped the F bomb for good measure.

TRANSLATION:  If I resigned in a professional manner, they would forget about me and my lackluster performances before my car left the parking lot.  It's better to be despised than forgotten.

You're welcome.